Condensed Transcript
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Hey everyone, happy Sunday! So glad you’re here today. We’re gonna be looking at this little book called Philemon. Now I gotta warn ya, it’s a tiny book, only 25 verses, tucked away at the end of the New Testament that you probably barely noticed before. But don’t let the size fool you – this little book packs a powerful punch when it comes to living out our faith.
See, Philemon was a church leader back in the day whose slave, Onesimus, had run away. Well, Onesimus ends up meeting the Apostle Paul and becomes a Christian. So Paul writes this letter to Philemon about Onesimus. And there’s three big questions we can take away from this book that have the power to change our lives even today.
The first question comes right from verse 6, where Paul says “I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith.” So here’s the Legacy Question: What story do I want to tell with my life? When it’s all said and done, what story do you want people to tell about you and your impact on the world? Will you be known for building people up or tearing them down? For generosity or greed? For compassion or cruelty? You write the story of your life one choice at a time. So choose wisely and choose well, my friends!
The second question comes from verse 8 where Paul says “I prefer to appeal on the basis of love.” Oooh, now we get to the Integrity Question: Am I being honest with myself? It’s so easy to lie to ourselves and make excuses about why we do what we do. But you’ll never grow as a person until you can look that person in the mirror straight in the eyes and tell yourself the truth – the whole truth. So ask yourself: am I being real about my motives here? About what’s driving my decisions? A little brutal honesty with yourself goes a long way, people!
Finally, we come to the Love Question in verse 9 where Paul says “I appeal to you on the basis of love.” When unsure what to do, ask yourself: What does love require of me? Not what’s convenient, or easy, or what people expect – but what does love call me to? This question cuts through so much confusion about how to act. If we all lived by this standard, can you imagine how different the world would be? How much more kind, patient, forgiving and selfless we could become? It starts with you, my friends. Choose love.
So let’s recap the 3 big questions from Philemon: What story do I want to tell? Am I being honest with myself? And what does love require of me? Wrestle with these, answer them honestly, and let them guide your steps each day. If you do, I guarantee your life will be changed in amazing ways. And not only that, but the people around you will be changed too, because your story will point them towards the greatest love of all, from our Father in heaven.
You up for living out a story worth telling, a life full of honest soul-searching, and a heart overflowing with love? I sure hope so! Let’s pray and then dive into Philemon verse-by-verse to unpack how to make this happen…
I know some of you are probably thinking – this all sounds great, but it’s a lot easier said than done! Choosing to live for a higher purpose, being brutally honest with ourselves, and sacrificially loving others – those are really high ideals.
And you’re right – on our own, these things are impossible. We weren’t designed to live the Christian life under our own power. The truth is, real transformation in our lives happens through the power of God’s Spirit at work within us.
When Jesus walked the earth, He told His followers He had to leave so the Holy Spirit could come to dwell in them. And the Spirit’s presence would empower them to be His witnesses to the ends of the earth.
It’s the same for you and me today. Once we put our faith in Christ, the Spirit comes to live inside us, giving us strength, wisdom and power to live differently.
With God’s help, the story we write can be so much more than what our flesh desires. With the Spirit’s power, we can confront the darkness within. And through His love flowing through us, we can serve others with compassion.
So how do we walk in step with the Spirit, so He can shape our legacy, integrity and love? It starts by staying connected to God each day through prayer and time in His Word.
As we engage with God, the Spirit transforms us from within. He renews our minds to want what He wants. He gives us courage to face the truth about ourselves. And He fills us with supernatural love for those around us.
Living the Christian life isn’t about trying real hard in our own strength. It’s about surrendering to the work of the Spirit within us day by day. It’s aligning our stories with His grand story of redemption.
When we do this, not only will our lives change for the better – but we’ll join God in changing the world through the power of His Spirit at work through us.
Does this sound like the type of life you long for? If so, just ask! God is eager to give His Spirit to those who ask. He wants to empower you to live fully alive. Let’s take a moment to pray and ask for fresh filling of the Holy Spirit even now…
Message Outline
3 Questions To Improve Your Life
I always thank my God when I pray for you, Philemon, because I keep hearing about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all of God’s people. And I am praying that you will put into action the generosity that comes from your faith as you understand and experience all the good things we have in Christ. Your love has given me much joy and comfort, my brother, for your kindness has often refreshed the hearts of God’s people. Philemon 4-7
The Legacy Question:
What Story Do I Want To Tell?
That is why I am boldly asking a favor of you. I could demand it in the name of Christ because it is the right thing for you to do. But because of our love, I prefer simply to ask you. Consider this as a request from me—Paul, an old man and now also a prisoner for the sake of Christ Jesus. Philemon 8-9
The Life Question:
Am I Being Honest With Myself?
I am sending him back to you, and with him comes my own heart. I wanted to keep him here with me while I am in these chains for preaching the Good News, and he would have helped me on your behalf. But I didn’t want to do anything without your consent. I wanted you to help because you were willing, not because you were forced. Philemon 12-14
You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh
Grace Walk Quote We have all learned to rely on our own strategies for getting our needs met. The Bible calls this mechanism for servicing our own needs the flesh. Every person has developed his flesh-life in order to get what he wants out of life as much of the time as possible. Don’t think of flesh as skin, but as personal techniques for meeting your own perceived needs
You, my brothers and sisters (Family), were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve (Servants) one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (On Mission) Galatians 5:13-14
Philemon 20-22
The Love Question: What Does Love Require Of Me?
Yes, my brother, please do me this favor for the Lord’s sake. Give me this encouragement in Christ. I am confident as I write this letter that you will do what I ask and even more! One more thing—please prepare a guest room for me, for I am hoping that God will answer your prayers and let me return to you soon.
Philemon 20-22
Legacy Question Transcript
So one thing I think we all have in common is our love of story, right? Our love of story. We all love a good story, whether it’s a book or a movie, maybe part of a comedy series, fiction, non-fiction. I love historical fiction. Maybe it’s something that happened to a friend, maybe it’s your most embarrassing moment. And we all love to hear and many of us enjoy telling stories. What’s not apparent that should be is that each of us is actually creating a story, the story of our lives. It should be apparent because when someone asks you about your past, where you’re from, how you met, where you went to school, what do you do? You dip back into a chapter of your story, the story of your life.
Now, if you were like me growing up, you were interested in your parents’ stories, right? I loved to ask my parents, when I was growing up, I loved to ask them about when they got in trouble as kids. For some reason, those were my favorite stories. Maybe it just made me feel better about myself. I don’t know. But if your family is anything like mine, there may actually have been some legendary stories in your family, right? Stories that you enjoyed hearing over and over and over, and stories you ask your parents or maybe somebody else in your family to tell over and over and over.
But, here’s the thing. While those events are happening in the past, nobody is thinking in terms of story, right? What are they thinking? They’re thinking in terms of current events. I mean, it wasn’t a story, it was something that was happening in the moment. And this sets us up for where we’re headed today. Every significant or unusual current event in your life, even a season of life, once it’s behind you, once it’s behind us, what do we do with it? We reclassify it as a story, a story we tell or a story we hope we never have to tell, a story too embarrassing or painful to tell. And often, the determining factor as to whether or not we want that story to be told is the decisions we made while the story was unfolding, right? The truth is, we write the story of our lives one decision at a time. Whether it’s a thoughtful response or an emotionally fueled reaction, we write the story of our lives one decision at a time. More on that in just a minute.
The big idea behind this series is simply this: It’s the often-overlooked relationship between good questions and good decisions. And as we’ve said, good questions set us up for good decisions. And In fact, in some way, our decisions are no better than the questions that we ask or the questions we don’t think to ask. And here’s the promise of this series. If you will ask and if you will answer honestly, and then if you will act on your honest answer to the five questions that this series is built around, I promise you, you will make better decisions and consequently, you’ll live with fewer regrets. Your life will actually be better. And the people who look to you, the people who depend on you, their lives will be better as well, because, and you know this, we aren’t the only people, we aren’t the only people impacted by our decisions. And we are not the only people impacted by our regrets either.
Now, last time we introduced the first of our five questions, the first question was the integrity question. And the integrity question is, “Am I being honest with myself? Am I being honest with myself really?” So I hope since the last time we met, you have been being honest with yourself, really, and I hope you’ve been being honest with yourself even if the truth about yourself made you feel a little bad about yourself. Because as we said last time, acknowledging where we are is the first step to getting where we ultimately want to be.
So when making a decision of any magnitude, ask yourself, “Am I being honest with myself really?” Today is the second question and I call this the legacy question. The legacy question. Anytime you’re making a decision of any magnitude or of any consequence, I want you to pause and ask the legacy question which is, “What story do I want to tell? What story do I wanna tell?” Think about it this way. When this decision or maybe this entire season of life, when this relationship, when this business transaction is reduced to simply a story that you tell, what story do you wanna tell? What story do you wanna tell? Do you wanna be the hero or do you wanna be the villain? Do you wanna be the good example or do you wanna be the bad example? Which option will make this a story worth remembering, as opposed to a story you hope no one ever tells and no one ever finds out about? Which option would make this a story you’ll be proud to tell your children someday? Maybe even your grandchildren? And here’s the good news. Here’s the good news. You get to decide, but you decide one decision at a time because as far as it is up to you, you write the story of your life one decision at a time. And every decision you make, every decision you make becomes a permanent part of the story, the story of your life.
Every decision you make has an outcome, a consequence or a result, may be good or bad, desirable, undesirable, expected, unexpected, whatever the case, that outcome becomes a permanent part of the story of your life. Your boss comes along and he asks you to lie to a client, and you choose to lie to the client and the client finds out and calls you on it, and the boss lays the blame on you and you lose your job. Now, part of your story is that you lied and you lost your job because you lied. It’s not a good story. What about this story? Your boss asks you to lie and you choose not to lie and you lose your job because you wouldn’t do what your boss asked you to do. It’s not a great story, but that’s a better story, right? Or how about this one? You met this guy, he was just kind of okay, he was convenient. There wasn’t anybody else on the horizon. Something in you knew this really wasn’t something you should pursue, but you did anyway, and two years later, the whole thing just evaporated. It’s pretty much a story you hope no one even asks you about, a story that no one finds out about. How about this one? Your friends wanted you to go out, but you had an exam to study for and you said, “No.” You stayed in and you studied and you aced the exam. And that was a decision you made over and over and over, and now you have a degree to show for it. That’s a good story.
The point is simply this: Every decision and the outcome of that decision becomes part of your story which means decision by decision, you are writing the story of your life. That’s why when you’re making a decision of any magnitude you’ve gotta pause, look ahead, and think, “When this is nothing more than a story I tell, what story, what story do I want to tell?” The decision you are wrestling with right now, right now is gonna be nothing more than a story you tell someday. What story do you want to tell? Now, the challenge with all of this is this. In the midst of current events, in the midst of circumstances, we don’t think of our lives in terms of story. Now it is a story, but we don’t think that way. For example, if you recently lost your job, surviving this season without a job, well, one day, this is just gonna be a story that you tell. What story do you wanna tell? “I lost my job, I was embarrassed, I started drinking too much. I racked up some unnecessary debt. I lost the respect of my friends and my kids.” That’s not a great story. It’s understandable. I mean, losing a job, I mean, going for a prolonged period of time without work is terrifying. It’s terrifying. But the decisions we make in the valleys eventually are just stories we tell on the other side.
Or maybe back to the dating thing. You’re dating someone and things are going okay, but there’s someone else in the picture. And yeah, she’s married or he’s married, but you find yourself gravitating in their direction and they seem to be gravitating in your direction as well, and you get the sense that if you’re willing, they’re willing. Your decision, your decision will be a permanent part of your story and hers or/and his. What story do you wanna tell? “I got involved with someone at work who was married. I ended up busting up a marriage, now their kids’ ping pong between two homes on the weekends.” Is that the story you wanna tell? I don’t think so. Now, here’s something that I think is true of all of us. You’d like to be able to tell your entire story without skipping any parts, without skipping any chapters, or having to lie about the details, right? I mean, someday, you’d like to be able to sit down with your kids or maybe even your grandkids or maybe someone you hope to spend the rest of your life with, and tell your entire story. And isn’t it true you’d like to be the hero in your story? I mean, I think we all want that. And I think going forward, you can have that, but it will require you to stop mid decision and ask, “What story do I want to tell? Which of the available options do I want as a permanent part of my story?”
Now, I think one of the reasons we don’t think about story when we’re making decisions is we get distracted by the pressure and the emotions of the moment, right? I mean, emotion, when it comes to decision-making, emotion is like a fog, it causes us to lose sight of the broader context, which is our story. And you know how this works. You’re up against the deadline, you’ve gotta decide and you’ve gotta decide soon. “If you won’t marry me, I’m leaving.” Nobody wants to be left. “If you don’t make your quota, you’re fired.” Nobody wants to be fired. I mean, when you’re forced to make a decision under pressure, it is hard to think about tomorrow much less your story, right? Because you’ve gotta get through today. So whether it’s love or fear or jealousy, the emotions associated with the decision-making process, they always complicate the process by focusing our attention on the immediate, rather than the ultimate. And consequently, we’re left thinking in terms of options, not our story. And the challenge is, and you know this, there are no emotionally neutral decision-making environments, right? I mean, when it comes to big decisions, it is almost impossible to be objective because of the way we feel, because of our emotions. This is why your worst decision, and I know we’ve never met, so I’m taking a gamble here, but my guess is your worst decision was fueled by something with strong emotional appeal, right?
Maybe a first marriage that was pretty much doomed from the start, that purchase, that lease. I mean, it was so appealing, you bought it. It was so appealing you ate it, you smoked it. It was so appealing you dated it and you moved in with it, right? And if you’re in retail sales, you know exactly how this works. You know about the worst thing that you can let a potential customer do, is leave the store or leave the showroom without making the sale. Why? Well, you know why. Because once they walk out, what happens? The emotional appeal of your product begins to subside and they’re far less likely to make the purchase. We’ve all experienced that. Now, psychologists actually have a name for this dynamic. It explains why once our appetites are engaged in the decision-making process, well, we to some degree we kinda lose our minds. This cognitive bias has been labeled focalism. Focalism, because the victims, and we’ve all been a victim of this, the victims hyper-focus on the one thing to the neglect of pretty much everything else. If you’ve ever been in love, and I hope you have, if you’ve ever been in love, you were a victim or maybe you are currently a victim of focalism.
It’s wonderful. All you can see is him, all you can see is her. The point being this: In emotionally, in emotionally charged decision-making environments, whenever there is an emotionally charged decision-making environment, we think in terms of our options, not our stories. So here’s a tip: When confronted, when confronted with anything or anybody with strong emotional appeal, press pause, not play, because strong emotional appeal, strong emotional appeal should trigger a red flag, not necessarily a green light. Instead of leaning in, we should step back. Not because, and this is important, not because he’s not the one, he may be the one, not because it’s not a great investment opportunity, it may be a great investment opportunity, not because it’s not the perfect job, it may be the perfect job. But in spite of that, we should step back because anything with strong emotional appeal, even the right thing, clouds our judgment. So, just hit pause, get your bearings and go home and think about it. Call a friend, and for sure, consider, consider, consider your story. Because when you consider your story, it places the decision-making process within the broader context of our entire lives. Now, the Old Testament story of Joseph, the Old Testament story of Joseph, I think is a great reminder of how powerful and legacy preserving this question is. This is why I call it the legacy question.
Now, many of you are so familiar with this story you could tell it yourself, so I’ll give you the condensed version. Around 1800 BC, a 17-year-old named Joseph, the 11th of 12 sons, finds himself in a no-win situation that is not of his own making. His father, Jacob, loved him more than all the other boys, because Joseph’s mother was his father’s favorite wife, which fueled the fires of jealousy in his 10 older brothers. Eventually, as you probably know, their jealousy gets the best of them. They decide to kill Joseph. In the end, they lose their nerve and decide to sell him instead, which is a bit more merciful and way more profitable, and they sell him to slave traders. And then they tell their dad that he was killed by a wild animal. And now, and this is important. Now these 10 young men, think about this. These 10 young men have a secret that they are forced to live with for the rest of their lives. They have a chapter in their lives they will be embarrassed to tell. “I was so jealous of my younger brother that I, along with my other nine brothers, beat him up and sold him. There were 10 of us and one of them.” Who wants to tell that story? “And then we lied to my father and broke his heart and said that his favorite son had been killed by a wild animal.” That’s not a good story.
And now, and now Joseph’s brothers are liars for life. Please don’t decide anything that makes you a liar for life. Here’s why; Whatever you gain in the moment, will not be worth what you’re forced to carry into the moments that follow. Back to Joseph. So Joseph ends up on the auction block in Egypt where he’s purchased by a military officer named Potiphar.
Interesting dilemma for a rich kid who grew up as his father’s favorite son. And here’s what makes this story so relatable for many of us. None of this, none of this is his fault. Somebody else took control of his story. His story like parts of your story were hijacked, commandeered by evil people, selfish people. So why try? Why care? That’s always the temptation when someone else decides our story in a bad direction. But somehow in some way, Joseph overcomes the negative inertia, the temptation to just throw up his hands and give up. He refuses to throw up his hands and let fate have its way. Instead, he decides to serve Potiphar’s household as if it were his own. And eventually, Potiphar notices and he gives Joseph even more responsibility and he ends up in charge of Potiphar’s entire household.
If you think about it, that’s kind of a story worth telling, right? “I was kidnapped once, I was sold twice, I was a victim but I decided not to live like a victim.” That was the story that Joseph decided. That was the story that Joseph was writing, but then the music changed, right? If you know this story, you know that his story intersected with somebody else’s story, Potiphar’s wife, and he finds himself once again, through no fault of his own in a no-win situation, because Potiphar’s wife insists that he become her lover, probably one of many lovers. And Joseph has two options, neither of which would lead to a good outcome. And it’s important to understand, in this culture, this was not primarily a moral issue. This was a life or death issue. More like death or death, because either way he decided, he could lose his life. And just to point it out he’s about 19 or maybe 20 years old, when this part of his story unfolds. And once again, he opts for the better story. And it’s at this juncture in his story, and it’s one of the reasons I wanted to rehearse this story with you, even though it’s so familiar. It’s at this juncture in Joseph’s story that he employs a powerful, powerful technique, something we should all employ. Here’s what he does. Joseph actually rehearses his story out loud as the context for his response to Potiphar’s wife. This is how we know he made his decision within the context of his life story.
So what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna kind of paraphrase the first part of his response, and then I’ll read the second part straight from the text. Essentially, here’s what he said, “Mrs. Potiphar, I came to this land as a slave, I had no right and no future, your husband purchased me and I did my best to serve him and you, and through my hard work and my diligence and through God’s help, I’ve gained the trust of your husband. He’s put me in charge of the entire household, in other words, my story is getting better all the time.” And then he says this, and I quote, “With me, in charge of the household,” he told her, “My master does not concern himself with anything in the house. Everything he owns, he has entrusted to my care. No one. No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife.” Implication, that’s your story, Mrs. Potiphar, you really need to think this through, do you really want affair with a Hebrew slave as part of your story? And then Joseph steps back into the broadest context of all, in light of all that’s happened, in light of your husband’s confidence in me, in light of God’s mercy to me, he asked this question, How then in light of all that, in light of the way my story is going, How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?
Why would I want to add adultery to what’s turning out to be a pretty good story with an ending I never dreamed possible. In other words, Which of these stories, Mrs. Potiphar, do I wanna tell? I only have two options. Story number one, your husband gave me an opportunity I never dreamed would come my way, I was faithful to him and to God who’s been watching over and looking out for me. That’s a good story. Or story number two, your husband gave me an opportunity I never dreamed would come my way, so I took advantage of his trust and had an affair with his wife. Which story do I wanna tell? Which story do you wanna tell when the decision you are in the middle of making right now is nothing more than a story you tell. What story do you wanna tell? Now, as you probably know, Joseph decided the better of those two stories, he did the right thing, but the right thing did not turn out for Joseph. Potiphar’s wife accuses him of trying to rape her, and Joseph ends up in Pharaoh’s dungeon, but Joseph’s story wasn’t over. And your story isn’t over either.
Now, it’s true, when we find ourselves in a long, difficult season and a long, difficult chapter of our story, it feels like this chapter is the entire story, but it doesn’t have to be, oftentimes, it’s our responses, our decisions in those difficult chapters that make all the difference, that make all the difference between a story that ends bad and a story that ends well. Now, if you’re familiar with Joseph’s story, you know that while he was in prison, Joseph does the same thing he did in the dungeon as he did in Potiphar’s household, he decides well, and over time, he wins the favor of the prison ward. Now, nobody’s life ambition is to win the favor of a prison ward, but you know what, he just decided to do what he could do with what he had to work with, and before long, he’s pretty much running the place.
Several years later. And don’t let that go by too quickly. Several years later, he finds himself being ushered into Pharaoh’s presence to interpret a dream, because Pharaoh had a dream that he believed had significance for the nation of Egypt, and none of his magicians could interpret the dream. And then in another surprising twist in Joseph’s story, Joseph assures Pharaoh that he can’t interpret the dream either, and I think there was a gasp in the throne room when he said that. And then he looks at Pharaoh and says, But God, God as in the Hebrew God, which is a dangerous thing to say to someone who considers himself a god, God, the Hebrew God can interpret the dream for Pharaoh, fortunately that day, Pharaoh was more curious than furious, and he lets Joseph proceed with dream interpretation.
So according to Joseph and according to the dream as he understood it, Egypt would experience seven years of record-breaking grain harvest, essentially the Egyptians would be swimming in grain, and here’s why that was a big deal, bread was a staple for ancient people, all ancient people. So grain was the primary source for basically what constituted the dominant portion of the standard diet, which means, if there’s no grain, people literally starve. So this was great news, but that was just half of the dream. Egypt would experience seven years of record-breaking grain harvest followed by a famine, so severe, Joseph said, that everybody’s gonna forget all about the seven good years. Now, when Joseph finished interpreting the dream, everybody in the throne room assumed that Joseph was finished and he would be escorted out, but Joseph wasn’t finished, and he does the unthinkable and he gives Pharaoh unsolicited advice.
Now, nobody gave the Pharaoh unsolicited advice, especially a foreigner who still smelled a bit like the dungeon, but this was the advice he gave Pharaoh. He said, “Oh, Pharaoh, somebody needs to wake up every single day focused on this problem, somebody needs to wake up every single day focused on preparing Egypt for what’s coming. So choose somebody you trust and put them in charge of grain storage.” Silence in the throne room as everybody waited to find out what unimaginable horror awaited this arrogant Hebrew who would dare to give Pharaoh advice? The Pharaoh smiles and he says to the people standing around, “Can we find anyone like this man, one in whom is the Spirit of God?” And then Pharaoh said to Joseph, “Since God,” Joseph’s God, “Since God has made all of this known to you, there is no one so discerning and wise as you.” And then to the shock and awe of everyone standing there, “You shall be in charge of my palace and all my people are to submit to your orders. Only with respect to the throne will I be greater than you.” And in this moment, Pharaoh makes Joseph the prime minister of Egypt.
And once again, Joseph did what Joseph did. He decided well, and he devotes himself to this unprecedented opportunity. Seven years later, as he predicted, a famine devastates that region of the world, once everybody’s personal grain cupboards are bare, Joseph opens the federal grain silos and feeds the nation. And before long people from all over that part of the world are caravaning to Egypt to buy grain, including… If you know this story, including Joseph’s brothers. And when they arrived, he happened to be out that day and he recognized them immediately, but of course they did not recognize their 30-year-old brother whom they had not seen since he was about 17 years old. Now, if you’ve never read this story in Genesis, you should. There are so many fascinating details we don’t have time to explore today, but in the end, in the end, Joseph finally reveals his identity to his 10 older brothers, and they are speechless, actually, they are terrified and they beg for mercy they know they don’t deserve and in all likelihood, will not receive. And they were sure, they were so sure Joseph would do to them what they had done to him, because that’s exactly what they would do to him if they were in Joseph’s position, but…
And here’s the point of the story, Joseph wasn’t anything like his brothers, and do you know why? Because throughout his life, Joseph refused to react, and in refusing to react, he avoided becoming like the people he didn’t like. He decided, he decided against the gravitational pull of bitterness, so consequently, now that he’s got the power, he is free and he is free to write a better story. He decided his life in a different, In a better direction, he decided a story worth telling, that’s why we’re telling his story. And in that moment, he made a big decision, he decided revenge would not be part of his story.
So in addition to rescuing Egypt from the famine, Joseph rescues his entire family and their families as well, and he moves them all to Egypt. Now that is a story worth telling. A story, he decided one decision, one response at a time. Which brings me back to us, which brings me back to you, what story… What story do you want to tell? What story do you want told about you? Like Joseph, like his brothers, you’re writing the story of your life one decision at a time. Don’t do what his brothers did. Never, ever, ever choose the option that makes you a liar for life. Listen, this is so important. Long after whatever you gained is gone, you’ll be left with your lie, you will be left with a story you won’t be proud to tell. Every relational, financial, professional, academic decision and the outcome of those decisions, they become a permanent part of your story, so write a good one, decide a good one. And if you haven’t decided a good one up to this point, remember this, your current chapter is just that, It’s a chapter, It’s not the whole story.
Every time you’re faced with a decision of any magnitude, ask, When this is nothing more than a story I tell, what story do I want to tell? And then decide accordingly, because you write the story of your life one decision at a time, write a good one.
Integrity Question Transcript
So, here’s a disturbing thought to get things kicked off today. The easiest person, the easiest person to deceive is the person in the mirror. The easiest person to deceive is the person in the mirror. And it shouldn’t be this way, and we’ll talk about why it’s this way in a minute. It shouldn’t be this way, but for the moment I just want you to let this sink in. Actually, I would like to kinda rub it in. You think about it, you have talked yourself into, to the point of today’s message, you have deceived yourself into, you have sold yourself on every bad decision you have ever made. Worse, you are the mastermind, I mean, you thought this stuff up, you are the mastermind behind most of your most regrettable decisions, whether they were financial, relational, professional, academic, you were there for all of them.
Now granted there were outside pressures, there were other voices, people promising you stuff, trying to sell you stuff, but in the end, you decided. And, the reason I know so much about you is well, I know so much about me because I’m equally guilty like you. There’s a sales associate that lives in my head. And his voice, his voice sounds a lot like my voice, and although his logic is completely flawed and his sales pitches are amateur at best, I fall for them anyway. So what’s up with that? And what’s wrong with me and what’s wrong with you and what’s wrong with us? And to the point of today’s message, what can we do about it?
Now the big idea of this series is the often-overlooked relationship between good questions, good questions, and good decisions. Good questions and good decisions. Good questions actually set us up for good or better decisions, and then, there’s a sense in which our decisions are really never any better than the questions that we ask or actually don’t think to ask.
And I’m convinced, I’m absolutely convinced that if you will ask, if you will ask and if you will answer honestly, and then act on your answer to the five questions in this series, you will in fact make better decisions and you will live with fewer regrets. Your life will be better, and the people who look to you, depend on you, their lives will be better as well because and this is so important, let’s face it, we aren’t the only people impacted by our decisions, and we aren’t the only people impacted by our regrets either. And parents, grandparents, if you will teach your kids, and if you will teach your grandkids to ask these five questions, I promise their lives will be better as well.
So let’s jump in. The first of our five questions, question number one, I call it the integrity question. The integrity question. And to introduce this question, we need to drop back to my opening somewhat disturbing observation that the easiest person to deceive, the easiest person to deceive is the person in the mirror, which means, which means the most difficult person to lead is the person in the mirror as well. You cannot lead yourself well as long as you are deceiving or lying to yourself. Have you ever tried to lead a liar? It’s pretty much impossible to lead a liar in a professional setting, in the marketplace, at work. You have to fire a liar.
So today, I’m gonna challenge you to fire the dishonest version of you and hire a new you, an honest you, a you that tells you the truth even when it makes you feel bad about you. Now, you know from experience that dishonesty erodes credibility, right? And in a similar way, and this is kind of odd to think about, in a similar way, when we are dishonest with ourselves, it erodes credibility within ourselves. And I know that sounds strange, but think about it this way. When we lie out loud and I’m not calling you a liar but occasionally we all kind of stretch the truth, but when we lie out loud, what do we do immediately on the inside, in our heads, in our hearts? We justify the lie. And who do we justify the lie to? To ourselves. We have to. Otherwise, we’re at odds with ourselves, something that sane people can’t do for very long. So what we do is we create a narrative that justifies our lie or our half-truth and then, this is the crazy part, we choose to believe it, which really is crazy. I mean, why would you, why would we believe a narrative we basically just made up? Well, the non-technical, nonclinical answer to that question is this. You are a sucker for you! You can convince yourself of just about anything, and so can I.
As my AA friends, my NA friends, and my one CA friend has taught me, rigorous honesty, rigorous honesty is the first rule of recovery. Rigorous honesty with ourselves and others is the first rule of recovery. Rigorous means extremely thorough, exhaustive, sometimes exhausting, meticulous, rigorous honesty with ourselves and others. That’s the first step to getting better and making progress to make better decisions, to avoid unnecessary regret, you’ve got to tell yourself the truth. You have to tell yourself the truth even if it makes you feel bad about yourself. Now what I’m gonna say next, I realized runs contrary to the grain of our culture, but as you know, I’m not really here to be liked, and so let me just put it out there. There are worse things, there are worse things than feeling bad about yourself. For starters, denying something bad about yourself. Refusing to acknowledge what’s bad about ourselves is bad for ourselves. So to make the best decision you have to be honest with yourself even if it makes you feel bad about yourself. Or to put it another way, you will never get, you will never get where you need to be until you acknowledge where you actually are.
Besides, besides, if you aren’t honest about why you’re choosing what you’re choosing, think about this, you’ll have a difficult time taking responsibility for the outcome of that decision. Now, the fact that everything I’ve said so far is pretty much obvious, you probably didn’t write any of that down, it doesn’t make any of this easy and it doesn’t make it easy to get this right. In fact, your first step may be being honest with yourself about the fact that you’re not always honest with yourself, but whatever the case, to decide your way into a better future, and that’s what this whole series is about, to decide your way into a better future, you’ve got to develop the habit of telling yourself the truth, specifically the uncomfortable truth about why you choose what you choose to do.(Sarah, when editing, the camera slides really hard to the right here at 9:29) And that leads us at last to the first of our five questions.
And the first question to ask anytime you’re making a big decision is the integrity question, and the question is simply this, “Am I being honest with myself? Am I being honest with myself?” Now, you may not owe it to anyone else, but you owe it to yourself to be honest with yourself about the decisions and the choices that you make. Why you do what you do? If you wanna justify your decisions to other people, that’s fine, I guess, but there’s no win, there is no win in justifying your decisions to yourself. Besides, justifying, you know what justifying is? Justifying is really just a lying. And why would we just a lie to ourselves? So just tell yourself the truth.
Now, it actually helps to ask this question out loud, in fact, all five of these questions, it helps if you ask them out loud, but this one in particular, and it actually helps to ask this question twice, but on the second round, you should add a word (mic pop) and some of you already know what that word is. Am I being honest with myself really? Am I being honest with myself really? And the reason we have to add really is because we are so prone to deceive ourselves. Why am I doing this really? Why am I avoiding him really? Why do I keep postponing that really? Why do I keep making excuses really? Why did I say yes really? Why did I choose to wear this really? Why did I choose to purchase or lease that really? Why did I move in really? Why am I moving out really? Why won’t I get help really?
And here’s the thing, you may not be good at selling anything to anybody else, but when it comes to selling yourself on a bad idea, you’re amazing. Me too. Our greatest regrets are associated with things, opportunities, and people we sold ourselves on. I mean, just think back to your last bad relationship decision. You were in love or you were in lust or something, whatever it was, you were in it, and your momma tried to warn you, your best friend tried to warn you, but you assured them, you knew exactly what you were doing. And then looking back, you wonder, “What was I doing? What was I thinking?” Which is the problem. You weren’t thinking, you were selling, you were selling yourself. And the same is true for your most recent bad purchasing decision. Once you had it in your hand or once you had your heart set on it, on whatever it was, it was pretty much over. It was like something took over, and the next thing you know, you’re handing your credit card to someone you don’t even know to buy something you couldn’t, or perhaps shouldn’t even afford. And why? Because you sold yourself.
So here’s a little tip. In fact, if you don’t remember anything else from our time together today, I want you to remember this. As soon, as soon as you start selling yourself on anything, you should hit pause. The moment you begin selling yourself, you should hit pause, and here’s why. Because we rarely have to sell ourselves on a good idea. When it comes to good ideas or good decisions, we usually just know. So let’s just stop with all that. Just tell yourself the unfiltered truth, be honest with yourself. I mean, come on, it’s not gonna hurt. Well, you may hurt your own feelings momentarily, but in the end, you’re gonna be better off. We all are, right? I mean, lights will come on, and granted lights can be terrifying, just ask the roaches and the rats, right? But light is a disinfectant and truth is as well. They go hand in hand. So bring your narratives and bring your justifications and bring your excuses into the light and just tell yourself the truth. You’re gonna make better decisions.
Now, if everything were equal, if we were kind of wired to decide what’s best for us, this would be really easy. In fact, if that were the case, we’d be pretty much done here. Just tell yourself the truth, I’ll see you next time, right? But things aren’t equal. And as it turns out choosing what’s best, [chuckle] choosing what’s best isn’t what’s natural. Now naturalist, and you may be a naturalist or materialist, they have an explanation, you may have an explanation for why it’s so difficult for us to tell ourselves the truth. Christians have a different explanation. But everybody pretty much agrees that we come into the world with a natural propensity on selling ourselves what we wanna do rather than what we oughta do. And this is not a recent observation. In fact, this is kind of interesting, the 17th century English philosopher and statesman Francis Bacon, you probably studied about Francis Bacon in school.
He made the following observation, this is a little bit long but this is from the 17th century. Here’s what he said in that 17th century way of writing. He says, “The human understanding when it has once adopted an opinion.” In other words, once we kind of come to what we wanna do, “Draws all things else to support and agree with it.” In other words, once we’ve kind of made up our mind what we wanna do, we become a magnet for anything that supports what we’ve decided we wanna do. And then he says this, “And though there’d be a greater number and weight of instances to be found on the other side, yet,” he says, “Yet, these it either neglects or despises, or else by some distinction sets aside and rejects.” That’s just a fancy 17th century way of describing what we call confirmation bias. That we are naturally open, or we naturally open ourselves up to anything that confirms what we already think and what we already wanna do. And we instinctively, I love the way he says it, we instinctively set aside or reject anything to the contrary.
Again, just think back to your last bad relationship decision. You were warned, and it wasn’t that you wouldn’t listen, it was more like you couldn’t listen. I mean, think back to that recent bad purchasing decision. It’s so clear now, but in the moment Francis was correct.
But almost 2,500 years before Francis Bacon wrote these words, a Judean court advisor turned prophet made a similar observation, but fortunately for us, he added a bit of helpful explanation. And the context for his observation, I think it’s both fascinating and instructive. So here’s the backstory.
Around 600 BC, around 600 BC, Jeremiah who’s the author of the Old Testament book Jeremiah, served as a, pretty much a professional coach or like a court advisor to a series of Judean kings whose careers honestly would have gone much smoother and whose lives would have lasted much longer had they listened or taken Jeremiah’s advice. But of course, the advantage of being a king is that you don’t have to take anyone’s advice. Now, ancient Judah was essentially like the bottom half of what we consider the Holy Land. So that’s where this story takes place. Jeremiah actually began his coaching career with young King Jehoiakim. King Jehoiakim was pretty much a teenager at the time. And at the time he became king, Judah was actually paying an annual tribute or a financial tribute to Babylon who in return would then provide military support and then pretty much allowed Judah to run her own affairs. So after three years of paying this tribute, King Jehoiakim decides, “You know what? Enough of that.” And he quit making payments. And then worse than that, he changed banks, meaning he declared loyalty to Babylon’s arch-rival Egypt.
And when Jeremiah, his advisor heard about Jehoiakim’s decision, he begged him, he begged him to reverse course. This wasn’t just a bad decision, this was a dangerous as well because the mighty King Nebuchadnezzar was already in a really foul military mood after being defeated by the Egyptian army just a few months earlier. So Jeremiah rightly assume that Nebuchadnezzar would, well, Nebuchadnezzar would love to find a place to vent his frustration and a vassal state that had just sworn loyalty to his enemy Egypt, well, Judah would be the perfect target. And not only was Jehoiakim’s decision foolish and dangerous, Jeremiah assured him that well, this decision is actually in direct opposition to God’s will for the people and for the nation as well. But Jehoiakim, not impressed, he’s the king. Besides, Jehoiakim had long since abandoned the ways of Judaism. He was a merciless tyrant whose sexual appetites led him far outside the moral prohibitions outlined in the Jewish law.
So he did what kings do, he just ignored Jeremiah. And sure enough, King Nebuchadnezzar did exactly what Jeremiah predicted he would do. He came looking for his tribute. Nebuchadnezzar and his armies laid seige to the city of Jerusalem for three months, and then his army entered the city, put Jehoiakim in chains, and then marched him back to the city of Babylon and added him to his king collection. Now, I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s so fascinating, King Nebuchadnezzar collected kings. Some people collect coins, some people will collect baseball cards, King Nebuchadnezzar collected kings. Whenever he conquered a territory, he would capture the king alive, take the king back to Babylon and add him to his king collection then on special occasions when he wanted to show off how powerful he was, he would bring all of these kings out like show and tell, and parade them around the courtroom in golden chains, and each king would walk with his hand on the shoulder of the king in front of him, because in addition to being chained, King Nebuchadnezzar had all of these kings blinded.
Now, back to our story. Before leaving Jerusalem, King Nebuchadnezzar crowned Jehoiakim’s son Jehoiachin to be the next king. He was a whopping 18 years old. And then three months later, and I’m gonna skip a bunch of history here, three months later, Nebuchadnezzar changes his mind, he comes back to Jerusalem and he adds Jehoiachin to his king collection as well, which at this point you’re thinking, nobody’s probably really anxious to be the next king of Judah, right? But every kingdom needs a king so Nebuchadnezzar appoints Jehoiachin’s uncle Zedekiah to be the next king of Judah. He was 21 years old. But what Zedekiah didn’t know, in fact, what nobody knew is that he would be the last king of Judah, because like the kings before him, he would not listen to sound advice. In fact, one of the Jewish historians said this about him, he did evil, he did evil in the eyes of the Lord, his God. And he did not humble himself before Jeremiah, the prophet, he just wouldn’t listen.
Once his mind was made up, much like most of us, once his mind was made up, he could not hear, he could not hear, neither could he embrace the wise counsel of the Prophet. He did exactly, he did exactly what King Joachim had just done. He refused to pay tribute to Babylon and once again, Jeremiah pleads with Zedekiah to change his mind, this was not gonna end well for the king, it’s not gonna end well for his family, it’s not gonna end well for the nation, but again, kings will be kings and when Jeremiah realized Zedekiah wasn’t listening, he did something really interesting, he took his message to the streets of Jerusalem, encouraging the citizens, he said to the citizens, “Nebuchadnezzar is gonna show up, and when he shows up, the best thing to do is to throw open the gates and allow Him into the city.” Well, when Zedekiah found out what Jeremiah was doing as he marched through town, warning people and giving people this advice, he had Jeremiah thrown into a dry cistern just to shut him up, because he was scaring the children.
Actually, he was scaring the entire population, and they should have been scared because sure enough, just as he predicted again, Nebuchadnezzar himself shows up at the gates of Jerusalem, surrounds the city, and waits and waits and waits in an effort to starve the inhabitants into submission. When King Zedekiah realized his mistake, what do you think he did? He went looking for Jeremiah and he begged Jeremiah to ask God to deliver the city. And Jeremiah assured him, King Zedekiah it’s too late for that. The fate of the city has been sealed, their only hope was to throw open the gates and beg King Nebuchadnezzar for mercy, but Zedekiah knew, there would be no mercy for him or his family, so he snuck out of the city at night with his bodyguard and his children, yet another really bad decision. He was eventually captured and he was forced to watch as his children were butchered one by one by Nebuchadnezzar’s soldiers, and that would be the last thing King Zedekiah would ever see. He was blinded, chained and marched back to Babylon to join Nebuchadnezzar’s king collection.
The next time somebody tells you the Bible is boring, you just tell them the story of King Zedekiah. Now, here’s the thing, when you hear a story like that, or when you read a story like that, or maybe when you watch something like that play out in real life, you can’t help but think, what were they thinking, how could anybody be so clueless, so deceived? And fortunately for us, Jeremiah, who was there for this entire adventure, this entire tragedy watched the whole thing play out, he answers that question for us, he explains why we’re so prone towards self-deception, why we’re so good at selling ourselves on a bad idea or bad options, here’s what he writes, “The heart is deceitful above all things.” Your heart, my heart, his heart, her heart, even those precious children of yours, their hearts, the heart is deceitful above all things. Now, Jeremiah chose his adjective carefully, there’s a difference between being dishonest and being deceitful. Dishonest is, well, dishonest is a lot easier to spot than deceitful, dishonest is just straight up not honest, but deceitful, deceitful usually includes a mix of truth and half-truth and un-truth, deceitful is difficult to detect.
You’ve met dishonest people who just weren’t shrewd enough or smart enough to deceive you, they were just too obvious, but deceitful people, they’re the dangerous ones, and our hearts are deceitful, our hearts are dangerous. It’s why we’re so convinced and at times so convincing, we don’t merely lie to ourselves, we deceive ourselves, and here’s how it works, or here’s the way I think it works, once your heart, once your heart or my heart gets wrapped around something that we want, I think our hearts send a message to our brain and says, “Hey brain, I want this, go figure out a way to justify it.” And our brains are really smart, that’s why we call them brains, and our brains know that whereas it’s difficult to justify a want, it is not difficult to justify a need, so the first thing the brain does is it upgrades the messaging to something far more sophisticated than a want. The brain says, “You need this.” And back to what Francis Bacon said and what Jeremiah said, “Once we’re convinced, once we’re convinced we need something, it is so easy to sell ourselves on it.”
Before long, we have a list of justifications for buying it, drinking it, asking it out, inviting it in, but the reasons we use to sell ourselves, let’s be honest. The reasons we use to sell ourselves, they’re not really reasons, they’re justifications, and in most instances, if we’re honest, if we slow down and think about it, we know, but we fall for it anyway, we’re so easily deceived by our own hearts. The heart is deceitful above all things but he wasn’t finished. And he says, “Our hearts are beyond cure.” There’s no cure. This is a permanent condition. You don’t outgrow it, we don’t out-mature it, we can’t fix it, we’re doomed. Okay, we’re not doomed, but a permanent condition requires constant supervision right, a proactive response.
And then Jeremiah wraps this up by saying something or describing something, I guess we’ve all experienced, he says this, “The heart is deceitful, the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, who can understand it?” And that’s a , because I certainly don’t. I don’t even understand the decisions I make, even though I know everything I’m sharing with you and have known it for quite some time. Who can understand? Who can understand it? Apparently nobody does, nobody can, which explains why we’ve all said at some point along the way, I don’t understand, I don’t understand why I did what I did, which is just another way of saying, I don’t understand why I decided what I decided. I don’t understand why I chose what I chose.
And this explains why we do the very thing we advise other people not to do, it’s why the person in the mirror is so hard to lead, they just won’t tell you the truth. Unless, unless you force them to. You gotta pin them down, you gotta look them in the eye and you have to ask, “Are you being honest with yourself? Are you being honest with yourself really?” And the sooner you embrace, and the sooner you embrace this disturbing fact about yourself, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the sooner you embrace this fact about yourself, the sooner you’ll be open to information and advice that conflicts with where your heart is taking you, the more suspicious and cautious you’ll be when that sales person inside of you starts selling you. So this week, this week before you decide, I wanna encourage you to have sort of a heart-to-heart with yourself, and I think you should do it in the mirror, I do. And you should ask yourself out loud and you should use your name, Andy, are you being honest with yourself, are you being honest with yourself really?
And then, just tell yourself the truth, even if you don’t plan to act on it, because you owe it to yourself to know, you owe it to yourself to know even if it points you in a direction you don’t intend to go. And this is where the conflict is, because we think, and this is pretty much true, that if we are honest with ourselves, we’re gonna feel like we need to hold ourselves accountable to do what we know we ought to do, and that’s absolutely true, but I’m giving you permission not to do that, just begin with being honest with yourself, it won’t hurt to know. But here’s something you do know, what you don’t know, what you won’t know, what you refuse to know can certainly hurt you. So just be honest with yourself, most people aren’t. Don’t be most people.
So would you ask yourself, “Am I telling myself the truth? Or am I selling myself a regret? Am I telling myself the truth or am I selling myself a regret? Am I being honest with myself really?” So as we wrap up, I’d like to get this kicked off for some of you, not all of you, perhaps, but some of you, and I’d like to just ask a few questions, and most of these questions, maybe none of these questions will intersect with your current circumstances, but perhaps a couple of them will, and if nothing else, here’s an example of the kinds of things we should ask ourselves, so are you ready?
Why do you continue to go out with him really? Why do you continue to go out with her really? Why did you file for divorce really? Why are you taking that job really? Why are you quitting your job really? Why did you move in really? What’s the real reason? What’s the real reason you don’t call your kids? What’s the real reason you don’t call your mom, your dad, your brother, your sister? Why won’t you tell her, why won’t you tell him the truth about what’s going on really? It’s brutal, isn’t it? It’s terrifying, it’s clarifying and ultimately it’s liberating and it’s empowering. So be honest with yourself, it doesn’t come naturally, that’s what Jeremiah says, but most things that are good for us, they don’t, do they? Jeremiah was right, the heart is deceitful above all things, and it is beyond cure, this is a permanent condition, but now you know. And now you know what to do about it. And the prudent, when they see danger, when they see trouble coming, they do something and trouble is always just one bad decision away. So would you decide, I will not lie to myself, even when the truth makes me feel bad about myself. I will not lie to myself, even when the truth makes me feel bad about myself. I will tell myself the truth really.
Love Question Transcript
So today, we’re wrapping up our series, Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets, and the big idea in this series is the often-overlooked relationship between good questions and good decisions. Good questions actually set us up to make good decisions. And I’m convinced that if you’ve been following along in this series that you’re convinced as well, that if you will ask, answer honestly and act on your answer to the five questions we’re talking about in this series, you will make better decisions and consequently, you will live with fewer regrets. Your life will be better, and the people who look to you and depend on you, their lives will be better as well, because we aren’t the only people impacted by our decisions, right? And we’re not the only people impacted by our regrets either. Quick review, the first question we explored was the integrity question. The integrity question. “Am I being honest with myself? Am I being honest with myself really?”You will never get to be where you want to be until you are honest about where you currently are. The most difficult person to lead is always the person in the mirror.
So whenever you’re making a decision of any consequence before you commit to an option, ask yourself, “Am I being honest with myself? Am I being honest with myself about why I’m doing this, choosing this, purchasing this, calling him, calling her back?” Second question was the legacy question. The legacy question is, “What story do I wanna tell?” When the decision that you’re in the process of making right now, relational, financial, academic, professional, when the decision you’re in the process of making right now, when it’s nothing more than a story you tell, what story do you wanna tell? Make it a story you’re proud to tell. In fact, better than that, be the hero in your own story, not the villain. Be the person who exercises self-control, not the person who lost control. Use your superpower. We’ve talked about that. Your respond ability, that’s your superpower. And you decide your story one decision at a time. Because as far as it’s up to you, you write the story of your life, one decision at a time. I want you to write or decide a great story.
Our third question was the conscience question, “Is there a tension that deserves my attention? Is there a tension that deserves my attention?” You’re considering an option and you’re thinking about doing something specific, you’re about to pull the trigger on the decision and everybody’s nodding, everything looks good on paper, but there’s just something about it that doesn’t seem right. Something that you can’t put your finger on. When that happens, pause and pay attention to that tension. Now, last time we were together, we explored the fourth question, the maturity question. And the maturity question is, “What is the wise thing to do in light of your past experience, in light of your current circumstances, in light of your future hopes and dreams? What is the wise thing for you to do?” An option may be legal or acceptable or permissible, not exactly immoral, but is it wise? Remember this, a decision, a decision can be not wrong and not wise at the same time. Unwise decisions, remember this, unwise decisions are gateway decisions, they lead to regret. In fact, your greatest regret, your greatest regret was preceded by a series of unwise decisions. How do I know that? Because it’s true for all of us. The decisions that preceded your greatest regret, they weren’t wrong, they weren’t illegal, but looking back, they were terribly, terribly unwise. So decide wise.
And that brings us to our last question. Our fifth question is actually the relationship question. Now, again, if you’ve been a part of this series, you know by now that most of these questions, most of these questions are a bit terrifying because they are in fact so clarifying. And by clarifying, I’m referring to the fact that in most instances, you know the answer to the question even before you finish asking the question, right? And once we know, we can’t un-know and once we know the answer to these questions, we feel accountable, we feel accountable to ourselves, which is good, and honestly, it’s a bit terrifying. It actually reminds me of a question my mentor, Regi Campbell, used to ask me. He used to say this, he’d say, “Andy, Andy, what do you hope I don’t ask you about?” Now, that’s a terrifying question, right? “Andy, what do you hope I don’t ask you about?” So I would dodge his question and I would say this, “Well, you can’t ask that question, Regi, you gotta dig around a little bit. That’s cheating. You gotta discover that for yourself.” And he would laugh and then he would repeat the question, “Andy, what do you hope I don’t ask you about?”
So our fifth and our final question is perhaps the most clarifying question of all, but honestly, in some ways, it’s the most terrifying question of all. It’s clarifying and clarity, come on, clarity is often the thing we need to push us past our resistance to making a good decision, and I promise you, there will be resistance with this one. In fact, this may be the question you will be most tempted not to answer honestly because it will require the most of you. So once again, the disclaimer, you don’t have to act on your answer, but you owe it to yourself to know the answer to this question, because what you won’t know, what you refuse to know can hurt you. And in this case, what you refuse to know or acknowledge or admit is gonna hurt the people closest to you as well. Again, this is the relationship question. And as I mentioned last time, when you envision your future, isn’t this true? When you envision your future, you never envision yourself alone, there’s always somebody beside you. This is true of all of us. And perhaps that somebody is already besides you. Our final question, this fifth question will help you keep them there. Perhaps you’re looking for that someone. Getting in the habit of asking this question now, if you do that, you will become the person that the person you’re looking for, is looking for.
Because you know who you’re looking for? You’re looking for someone amazing, right? So are they. Asking and acting on this fifth question will increase your amazing quotient, I guarantee you. But the benefit of asking this question, this relationship question, it actually extends beyond that special somebody, this question when asked and answered honestly and then acted on, it has the potential to enhance the quality of every single relationship you’re in. It has the power to restore broken relationships, heal relationships. It has the power, honestly, to rekindle romance, to restore what was lost. But before the big reveal, another disclaimer, unlike the other four questions in this series, this one does not come with a guaranteed ROI, return on investment. The other four do, but not this one. Here’s what I mean. You will always come out ahead by being honest with yourself, really. You’ll always have something to show for writing a story you’re proud to tell. There will be a measurable return for paying attention to the tension and doing the wise thing. You ask these other four questions, you are going to benefit. Our first four questions always yield a favorable return, sometimes immediately, but always, eventually. But our fifth and final question is different. There may be no tangible, measurable, or even noticeable return on your effort in asking this question.
While the first four questions are demanding in the moment, our final question is demanding throughout every waking moment. And the reason being, our final question isn’t about making your life better, it’s about making someone else’s life better, which may make your life better, but honestly, it may not. However, this fifth and final question, should you have the courage to ask it and act on it, positions you to make the world better. So here we go, throughout Jesus’ ministry, when you follow Jesus through the gospel, throughout His ministry, He was constantly hinting at the fact that something new was on the horizon, something designed to actually replace much of what was in place in 1st century Judaism. And while many people were hoping for political reform, Jesus had something entirely different in mind, something much bigger than political reform, something far more inclusive. His hints, His parables, His foreshadowing, they were all designed to create a sense of expectation in the minds and the hearts of His followers. So when He entered Jerusalem for His final visit, you know this story, crowds lined the streets to welcome Him, they knew something was up, but their expectations were political, regal, messianic. He had their attention, but they did not understand His intention.
In fact, even His 12 apostles were confused about His ultimate aim, right up to the very end, right to the very end. They are jockeying for positions of power in the soon to be re-established independent kingdom of Israel. So on the night of His arrest, He gathers them together for what would be their final Passover meal, and He finally reveals His intentions. He makes His intentions clear. To begin with, He announced that He was leaving, and that was a problem. As we’ve talked about before, Jesus was their security blanket. Wherever Jesus went, crowds gathered, and the crowds kept Jesus’ enemies from getting close. So if Jesus leaves, if Jesus goes missing, odds are the apostles are probably gonna go missing as well and not in a good way.
Besides, why would Jesus leave now? They were on the precipice of a revolution. I mean, the kingdom was about to be restored. So on this final night together, He spells it out for them in terms that, well, in terms that have become so familiar to many of us. I’m afraid that they leave little to know or make little to no impact. Now, we don’t doubt they’re true, we don’t doubt what Jesus says is true. After all, Jesus spoke these words. But these words don’t rock us back on our heels, they don’t send us rushing home or back to work or back to the neighborhood with an apology on our lips. These words, this command from the lips of our Lord, think about that, they just don’t stand guard over our words like they should.
They don’t stand guard over our responses, our actions, or our attitudes the way they were intended to. In fact, when I read Jesus’ words to you in just a moment, you may be tempted to respond with, “Oh, I’ve heard that before. Oh, that again,” which is unfortunate because these words spoken by Jesus to His closest friends, men who would earn the reputation for turning the world upside down, these words explain the event that we cling to when we sin, when we fall short. Isn’t this true? When you wonder where you stand with God, when you wonder where you stand with God, in those moments as a Christian, what do you lean into? You lean into the event of Christ’s death on the cross as the payment for your sin, right?
Jesus died for me, so I have a right standing with God. But His death, His death on the afternoon after He spoke these words was actually an illustration of these words and a reminder of how central these words are to our experience as Jesus followers. They represent in a way the epicenter of the Christian faith. These words are really what the kingdom of God looks like on earth. Paul who was clearly rocked back on his heels by these words and actually never recovered, when he wrote his letter to Christians living in the Roman province of Galatia, he said this, he said, “The only thing, the only thing that matters is these words.”
And then in 1 Corinthians, he declares that if we don’t get this one thing right, it doesn’t even matter what else we get right. He understood what we missed. And here’s the thing, and I understand this. We want deeper and Paul would respond to that, we want deeper requests like this, “You want deeper?” You want deeper. You want deeper because you’ve never witnessed a man being flogged to the point to where he wants to die, but can’t because the soldier inflicting the pain knows exactly when to stop, not out of mercy, but because the goal was to inflict as much pain as possible. Death would be merciful. But out of a desire to cause as much suffering as possible, they would stop.
When we think there’s got to be more, it’s because we’ve never witnessed a crucifixion, we’ve never seen someone choose days ahead of time to lay down their life for an enemy. There is nothing deeper, there is nothing more profound, there is nothing more contrary to fallen human nature. There is, well, there’s nothing with more potential to change everything than Jesus’ instructions to His followers the night of His arrest. His words represent a paradigm shift of, it’s no exaggeration to say of epic proportion. They would, again, they would turn the world upside down because they established a kingdom that looked upside down to the world. And what began as a harmless threat to the empire, a harmless threat to the temple, a Nazarene sect, a cult would eventually engulf the empire.
And His words to His disciples during that last Passover meal, they serve as the context, they serve as the fuel, the match for our fifth and final question. Here’s what he said, and I wish for a moment you could hear them as if you’re hearing them for the very first time. Allow these words to set you back on your heels, to leave you scrambling for your slice of the conflict pie in your relationships. I hope they will compel you to forgive, to be kind, to loan your strength, to tame your tongue, to adjust your pace, to open your wallet, to re-shuffle your values. Here’s what He said, “A new command, a new command I give you.” And of course, they didn’t need any new commands, they had plenty. Besides earlier, Jesus had just reduced the entire list to two, love God and love your neighbor. Those are the two we know, right? So why do we need a third? And besides that, why was He talking about commands? They needed to make plans. And what gave Jesus the right to add any new commands, only God could, only God had the authority to add commands. Exactly, right?
As it turned out, Jesus wasn’t adding a command to an existing list of commands, He was doing something far more radical. He was replacing the existing commandments, all of them. And one reason, one reason that this new command doesn’t have its desired effect on many of us is because we were raised to believe that His new command was simply another command, another command to be added to the big 10 or the big 600 plus, but it wasn’t. Jesus had come to replace much of what was in place. “A new command I give you: Love one another.” Which wasn’t really actually new, but then as we’ve said before, Jesus wasn’t actually through, and he wasn’t commanding them, and he wasn’t commanding me, and he wasn’t commanding you to feel something, he was commanding us to do something. And what came next? Well, what came next was unthinkable. But what came next changed the world. What came next trumped the golden rule. What came next trumped love God and love your neighbor. “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” This was so disturbing. In this moment, Jesus establishes himself as the standard for love. The standard against which we are to measure and evaluate our behavior if we’re Jesus followers.
You’ve heard it, said, believing is all that matters. If you were raised in certain kinds of churches, it’s all about believing. Jesus would say to you, “If you’re going to participate in my kingdom, loving as I have loved, is what matters most.” Doing for others what one hoped others would do for them in return, that was so last century, that was so Old Covenant. Jesus tells His followers on the night of His arrest, to do unto others as He had done unto them. Now, this was extraordinarily, extraordinarily personal for the guy seated around the table, right? I mean, when we read, “As I have loved you, you’re to love one another,” we think of the cross, they didn’t. They thought back over the previous three years. I mean, Jesus could have gone around the table and called them all out one by one, “Matthew, Matthew, you remember what you were up to when we met?” “Yes, sir, I was working for Rome from home. Well, I was pretty much a government-sanctioned thief with bodyguards. I remember because good people, well, they kept their distance from me.”
And Jesus could have said, “Matthew, do you remember what I said to you that afternoon when we met?” “Yes, sir. You invited me to follow you, and no one had ever done that before. In fact, when people thought I was following them, they just rushed home.” “Exactly. Matthew extend that same grace to every single person you meet for the rest of your life. As I have loved you, Matthew, that’s how I want you to love.” And He could have worked His way around the table one by one, “Love as I have loved you. Extend the same grace, the same forgiveness that I have extended to you.” So, real quick. How about you? Let’s put you in Matthew’s seat for just a minute. What were you up to, what were you up to when you first understood and accepted the call to follow Jesus? Think about that season of your life and to think He loved, loves you.
Anyway, he hears your prayers. He forgives you over and over for the same dumb stuff, right? Me too. In my case, I have no excuse, I have no excuse not to extend grace, forgiveness and mercy, second and third chances to everybody I meet, because I’ve been commanded to love as I have been loved and I have been given second and third chances by my Savior. And as Jesus looked around the table that night, he could have added, “And gentleman, if you think you’ve seen me love, you haven’t seen anything yet, because tomorrow covered in my own blood, I’ll put on a demonstration of love that will take your breath away, but more important, it’s gonna take your sin away, and it’s gonna take your excuses away, not to love the way I have loved you. Tomorrow I’m going to give my life away for you and for my enemies.” And then he continues. And this is the part, if we ever got this right, if I ever got this right, it would change. Maybe it would change everything. He said, “Gentleman by this, by this, everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.”
Now, the term, this is a demonstrative pronoun, remember those? A demonstrative pronoun is used to point to something very specific, and in this particular case, it’s a singular demonstrative pronoun. Jesus is pointing to one specific thing that was to be the identifying characteristic of his followers, namely the way we love. This new command, this new command brand of love, was to serve as the unifying and the defining characteristic for his new movement, the church. His new command was to serve as the governing ethic against, well, against which all of our behavior should be measured. And this stood in stark contrast to the current first century way of thinking. Unfortunately, it stands in stark contrast to the way that many of us were raised to think in the church today.
This litmus test, this would be the litmus test for being a Jesus follower and again, the new litmus test was not some sort of ritualistic day of the week, festival driven, don’t forget your goat, don’t forget to say your prayers, worship of an invisible and somewhat distant God, following Jesus would not be looking for ways to somehow get closer to God who dwelled out there somewhere. Jesus followers, according to what Jesus said that night, Jesus followers would demonstrate their devotion to God by putting the person next to them in front of them, as he would do the following afternoon. Authentic Jesus followers would not authenticate their love for God by looking up, they would authenticate their devotion to God by looking around, by loving the people around them.
And then this was so unprecedented and an unprecedented move for a religious figure, especially, Jesus didn’t leverage his position or even his equality with God or his messianic authority to stir his followers to action, he didn’t say, “Hey, and guys, you better do this because, well, do you know who I am?” He didn’t anchor his new command to his divine right as King. Paul said it best that Jesus did not regard equality with God as something to be leveraged for his own benefit instead do you know what he used to inspire his followers to action? Do you know what he used to inspire you and me to action? He leveraged his sacrificial love. Why? Why should his disciples obey this command to love? Because He loved them first, he went first, they were to do unto others as Jesus had already done and was about to do unto them. “A new command I give you, love one another as I have loved you, so you must love one another.” Jesus knew all-encompassing command was, well, it was far less complicated than the prevailing system, but it was far more demanding. There are no loopholes, no workarounds, in this brand of love. It’s why we avoid it, it’s why we are tempted to take the new command and simply add it to a list of commands perhaps hoping it will get lost in the mix.
And that brings us at last to our fifth and our final question, the relationship question. The question honestly, that paves the path to relational health. A question that really lays a foundation for mutually beneficial and mutually satisfying relationships, a question that honestly brings inescapable clarity to just about every relational decision you will ever bump up. Again, it’s a question, I think a question everyone should ask with a question that Jesus followers, well we have to ask him. Our fifth question is this, “What does love require of me? What does love require of me?” This clarifying and as I said earlier, terrifying question should stand guard over our consciences, it should serve as a guide, a sign post, a compass as we navigate the complexities of relationships, it should inform how we date, how we parent, how we boss, how we manage, how we coach. It should form a perimeter around what we say and what we do in our roles as spouse, co-worker, neighbor, friend. This question gives voice to God’s will for us on so many issues, on issues where the Bible is silent.
It fills the gaps, it succeeds where concordances fail, if you’re a Christian it crushes that insipid justification that we all grew up using, but the Bible doesn’t say there’s anything wrong with___, right? This question closes all those loopholes, in fact, it exposes our hypocrisy, it stands as judge and jury, it’s so simple, but it is so inescapably demanding, and it intersects with every imaginable relational scenario. We’re all tempted to ask or wonder sometimes relationally, “How little can I get by with?” The very thing we don’t want the person on the other side of us to consider. This question calls us to account.
So relationally speaking, when you’re not sure of what to say or do, simply ask, “What does love require of you?” When unsure of what to say or do, ask, “What does love require of you?” And then, do unto others as your heavenly Father through Christ has done unto you. He did what was best for us. We are in turn to do what’s best for others, we are to love as we have been loved, and when we fall short, we’re to own it quickly, we’re to own it before anyone even has to bring it to our attention. And if that sounds like too much to ask, congratulations, then now you know that you understand exactly what Jesus is asking of us. If there’s something in you that’s like, “I just don’t know if I can live up to that,” then you understand what he’s calling us to.
Now, I imagine that you’re smart enough and emotionally dialed in enough to know what love requires of you most of the time, even if we don’t want to admit it, but just in case, if love one another is not specific enough, the New Testament is actually full of real world applications of what Jesus’ new command brand of love looks like. In fact, the authors of the New Testament did not add to Jesus’ new command, this is an area where it gets confusing really quickly. They didn’t come along and add to Jesus’ new command, they simply explained what it looks like, they tell us how to apply it. And the apostle Paul provides us with, I think the clearest applications in his letter to Christians living in the Roman province of Galatia, we mentioned earlier, he insists, he says this, “When it comes to relationships, God will always nudge you. The Spirit of God will always nudge you in the direction of kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.?
When you’re tempted, when you’re tempted to try to control someone else, Paul says, “The Spirit of God is gonna nudge you in the direction of self-control,” because that’s what love requires of you. When in doubt, simply max these out, but this was actually the Apostle Paul’s abridged list, his most detailed description of what real world love looks and acts like is found in his first letter to Christians living in Corinth. We’ve talked about this so many times. In fact, that list is so familiar, I fear it doesn’t even create so much as a ripple in our conscience sometimes, especially for most modern readers, and that’s unfortunate because Paul’s description in 1 Corinthians is the gold standard of what love looks like in the real world. What does love require of us? You know this, he says, “Well, it’s patient. It’s kind. This brand of love doesn’t envy, it doesn’t boast, it’s not proud. It does not dishonor others. Love never treats another person dishonorably, disgracefully, indecently.”
Again, love never treats another person dishonorably, disgracefully or indecently. One more time. Love never treats another person dishonorably, disgracefully or indecently, because Jesus never treated another person including you, dishonorably, disgracefully or indecently. What if we just got that right? Love, he goes on, he says, “That love doesn’t create regret, it’s not self-seeking, it’s not easily angered. It doesn’t keep score. Love conveniently forgets the bad and elevates the good, love forgives and pretends to forget.” That’s what love requires. Love doesn’t delight in evil, but it rejoices with what’s true, it always protects, in other words, love never smuggles something harmful into the relationship, just the opposite, love keeps harmful things out. Love doesn’t seek to win arguments, love works to protect the relationship, love chooses to trust. He finishes up this powerful piece of literature, he says, “Love always hopes and it always preserves, it always protects.” That’s what love requires of us. That’s why our fifth question is not for the faint of heart.
But before you decide to remove it from the list of questions to ask, whenever you’re making a decision, I want you to consider this, isn’t that or aren’t these things, what you hope for or even expect from the people closest to you, your spouse, your fiance, your significant other, your kids? Isn’t this what you hope for from your friends and your neighbors and the people you work with? If these are the behaviors or responses we consciously or even subconsciously expect from others, shouldn’t they be required of us as well? So before you react to someone, before you over-respond to someone, before you remind them of their past, before you get out of the car and go into the house to straighten everybody out, before you walk into his or her office as you’re contemplating that invitation, before you decide, ask, “What does love require of me?” What does love require… I know what I’ve done in the past, I know what everybody expects, I know what everybody else does, I know what my pattern and my habit has been, I know what they deserve, but what does love require of me?
If you’re a Jesus follower. This is like asking, “What does my Lord require of me?” It may require you to get up out of your chair in just a few minutes and walk into the kitchen or the bedroom and apologize, it may require you to pick up your phone and rebuild a bridge that you burned down with your unassailable logic and sarcasm. You were right. But being right wasn’t what love required, you may need to write a letter or re-write an email and know the other party may not be interested in what love requires of them, or what requires of you, but that’s okay, right? Chances are, isn’t this is true, chances are, there was a time when you weren’t interested in what God’s love for you required of him? But he didn’t quit pursuing you. There are things, and this may be hard for you to take coming from me, but there are things that I’ll never understand, in fact, there are things that Jesus said, I’m not exactly sure what to do with in the modern world, but my lack of understanding never impedes my capacity to put others first.
It’s complicated as so many things are, there’s so many things I’ll never understand, but when it comes down to this question, as much as I don’t know, I almost always know what love requires of me. And if Jesus was correct, apparently, that’s enough. If Jesus was correct, that’s what it means to be his follower. That’s the center. That’s the kingdom of God on earth. What does love require of you?
So that’s it. Those are our five questions to ensure that you make better decisions and live with fewer regrets. Remember good questions, good questions lead to better decisions, and your decisions determine the direction and the quality of your entire life, your decisions create the story of your life, so come on, write a good one and remember this, your current regrets, and we’ve all got them, your current regrets are only part of your story, they don’t have to be the story, your past should remind you, but it does not have to define you.
So tell yourself the truth, even when the truth makes you feel bad about yourself, explore rather than ignore your conscience, raise your standard of living from what’s legal, acceptable, permissible to what’s wise, and then do what love requires of you. That changed the world once, and perhaps it will again, but even if it doesn’t change the world, it will certainly change yours. As you know, I normally leave you with three questions, but today I’ll leave you with five. Heavenly Father, thank you so much, thank you so much for these powerful, powerful words from Jesus. I pray that it would in fact set the standard for what we say and how we treat the people around us, and Father for the man or the woman, or the student who’s listening or watching right now, who knows in their heart they need to turn to the person beside them, or to get up and walk into the other room because that’s what love requires of them, give them the courage to submit to your Lordship in this moment and obey. And Father, I do pray that all of us would live a story worth telling and a story that at the end ultimately points to you and gives you glory in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Tweetable Quotes
Legacy Question
- Your legacy lingers. Craft it with care. #LegacyQuestion
- Decide your tale before life tells it. #LegacyQuestion
- With wisdom, author your legacy. #LegacyQuestion
- Your story flows from your decisions. Redirect it well. #LegacyQuestion
- Truth shapes your legacy. Walk in its way. #LegacyQuestion
Integrity Question
- Integrity awakens through honesty with self. #IntegrityQuestion
- Truth told frees. Lies bind. #IntegrityQuestion
- Bluffing blinds. Honesty enlightens. #IntegrityQuestion
- Integrity ignites through self-examination. #IntegrityQuestion
- Diminished by deceit, integrity flourishes in truth. #IntegrityQuestion
Love Question
- Love lived loud leaves a legacy. #LoveQuestion
- With love, write your tale in bold fonts. #LoveQuestion
- Love launched uplifts lives. #LoveQuestion
- Compassion shapes stories worth retelling. #LoveQuestion
- Love legacies linger. Leave yours. #LoveQuestion
Other Tweets/Quote Ideas
- Your story shapes your legacy. What tale will you tell? #Philemon
- Integrity requires brutal honesty with yourself. #Philemon
- Love lives loud. Let it be heard in your actions. #Philemon
- Truth impacts. Speak it, however hard. #Philemon
- Leave a legacy of compassion, not cruelty. #Philemon
- Excuses exile integrity. #Philemon
- Honesty breeds integrity. #Philemon
- Love liberates. Free others through it. #Philemon
- To live love, give love. #Philemon
- Your life echoes your story. Craft it well. #Philemon
- Write your story in ink, not pencil. #Philemon
- Edit your tale before life tells it. #Philemon
- Your legacy echoes in eternity. Leave good news. #Philemon
- Write your life’s story in bold font. #Philemon
- Craft a tale thick with love. #Philemon
- Honesty shines light on life’s true colors. #Philemon
- Truth reflects reality. Mirror it. #Philemon
- Love loudly and live life to the full. #Philemon
- Penned with love, your story inspires. #Philemon
- Let honesty anchor your legacy.
3 Question Summaries
Here are sermon summaries for the 3 transcripts with main ideas, creative thoughts, big ideas, and memorable quotes:
Legacy Question Summary:
Main Idea: Our decisions shape the story and legacy of our lives.
Creative Thoughts: We are all writing the story of our lives one decision at a time. What tale will you tell? Will it be one marked by integrity, courage, and wisdom? You get to decide the trajectory of your story by the choices you make each day.
Big Idea: Pause during decision points to consider – what story do I want to tell? Let this question guide you to a legacy worth leaving.
Quote: “Write your tale in ink, not pencil.”
Integrity Question Summary:
Main Idea: True integrity starts with rigorous honesty with ourselves.
Creative Thoughts: Our hearts are prone to self-deception, but embracing honest self-examination positions us to make better decisions. Shining the light on our real motives and being willing to face hard truths about ourselves is the only way forward.
Big Idea: You will never get to where you want to be until you are fully honest about where you currently are.
Quote: “Truth told frees. Lies bind.”
Love Question Summary:
Main Idea: Love in action must be the guiding ethic of Jesus’ followers.
Creative Thoughts: Loving “as I have loved you” is Jesus’ radical standard for His followers. This self-sacrificial agape love has the power to change the world. It starts with each of us asking: What does love require of me right now?
Big Idea: Treat others as Jesus has treated you. Make this your decision-making compass.
Quote: “Love lived loud leaves a legacy.”
Creative Illustration Ideas
Here are some creative illustration ideas for each section of the Philemon sermon transcript:
Legacy Question:
Show clips from popular movies where key choices shaped the hero’s legacy – Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, etc. Ask “What story will you choose?”
Have a giant open book prop on stage. Talk about how we are all writing the stories of our lives page by page. Encourage choosing the heroic tale.
Integrity Question:
Bring out a big mirror prop. Talk about looking deeply at ourselves, warts and all, to walk in truth.
Show optical illusions about deception. Our eyes can fool us. It represents how our hearts deceive. Only brutal self-honesty breaks this spell.
Love Question:
Footwashing illustration – take off your shoes and wash someone’s feet. This models the humble agape love Jesus calls us to.
Bring out two human statues/live models depicting the Old Testament sacrifice system vs. Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice. Contrast legalistic religion with extravagant love.
Modern parable illustrating a choice to show unconventional, sacrificial love in response to the question “What does love require of me?
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